


The Fear of Falling Apart

by lipstilinski



Series: Jack&Gem [5]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Danny Knows, I'm Sorry, If You Squint - Freeform, Jackson is in London, Jackson knows best, M/M, Mentions of Claudia Stilinski - Freeform, One-Sided Theo Raeken/Stiles Stilinski, Stiles cares too much, implied past sexual assault, mentions of Theo Raeken, post-season 2/pre-season 3a, reference to Boyd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-19
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-04-27 01:58:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5029300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lipstilinski/pseuds/lipstilinski
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A protective Danny tries to get the real reason from Stiles as to why he pushed Jackson away, and learns more than he bargained for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Fear of Falling Apart

**Author's Note:**

> This is really a story that should be saved for later, but I can't help myself.  
> The medical information is wrong.  
> Title is taken from Panic! At The Disco's This Is Gospel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGE381tbQa8

Stiles sat stubbornly with his his head in his hands, he didn’t want to have this conversation. His feelings about Jackson were none of Danny’s business. Jackson was gone and Danny demanded to know how Stiles really felt about his best friend.

“I’m not doing this. He thinks I betrayed him or lied or whatever, and I can see how he could think that, but it wasn’t really like that. I deserved to be lied to and left, I get that, but I am not talking to you about Jackson,” Stiles explained in a small voice.

“I just want to know why you pushed him away. It wasn’t about who you were without Jackson, that’s a pretty weak lie. Jackson didn’t see through it because was hurt, years later and he still can’t see it, but I do,” Danny started lightly.

“I did need to know who I was without him,” Stiles stated defensively.

“Okay, you accomplished that. So why not be with him, for real? Call him up and explain that it was bad timing, that you weren’t using his feelings for you against him to get to the kanima. He needs to know. Jackson looks at you like you’re the only thing that matters, like he only exists because you do and he’s so sure when it comes to you. Don’t mar the only thing he knows about himself,” Danny spat, starting to lose his cool.

“It doesn’t matter, he’s gone and it’s better that way. I could call him and explain things, I’ve thought that myself. I’m not going to though, he’s needs to move on,” he said almost silently, picking at his hands.

“I don’t believe that Stilinski. I’ve seen the pictures, and I’ve heard the stories, not just from Jackson either, and every room in his house is somehow about you. You care about him in the same way he cares about you, you’re unyieldingly loyal and yet everybody’s supposed to believe you woke up one day and wanted more than Jackson. I don’t.” He smirked, knowing he hit the nail on the head by deer-in-the-headlights expression fading from Stiles’ face.

“And?” Stiles recovered quickly. “People can change their minds, sometimes they even stop caring.”

“You didn’t. Remember that week Jackson was absolutely horrible, particularly to you, he shoved you into that locker and you had that swollen bruise on your cheek that lasted for weeks. Everybody was talking shit about Jackson, but you stood up for him when nobody else did, Theo started laughing at him for being adopted.”

Danny didn’t miss Stiles’ flinch at Theo’s name. Stiles’ whole demeanor changed, his arms were crossed and his face was littered with worry and annoyance. He was fidgety and looking everywhere but at the other boy.

“I was suspended two days for punching him in the gut,” Stiles laughed somewhat humorlessly. “What was it I told him? At least Jackson’s not a psycho with a God complex and an incessant need to be Scott’s only friend. Boy, did I pay for that one. Anyway, back to why I pushed Jackson away.”

“I don’t think you wanted to though. Jackson told me about that night, you could’ve calmed him down easily in a different way. I think you were saying goodbye when you didn’t know how to let go. Why did you think you shouldn’t be with him? That’s the real question, but I want to put that on pause. Let’s talk about Theo,” Danny started carefully.

“I didn’t want to push him away, you’re right,” Stiles admitted quietly, ignoring Danny’s Theo request. “But I won’t let him see me that way, seeing my mom like that tore my dad apart. He still hasn’t recovered from her death. I love Jackson too much and I can prevent that pain for him so I am, it’s just been harder than I thought it would be.”

“Stiles,” Danny’s expression and voice filled with pity.

“I’ve never wanted anything other than Jackson, the only thing bigger than that feeling is the desire to keep him safe. The only way to do that was to make him think I didn’t care and it worked so well at first; I couldn’t handle him being mad at me. That day with Theo… It reminded me of how vulnerable Jackson could be when it comes to me.” Stiles said dazedly as tears leaked from his eyes.

“What does Theo bagging on Jackson have to do with you?” Danny asked.

“I’ll get there, I’ll tell you everything,” Stiles murmured.

“You don’t have to, I’m kind of being an asshole,” he admitted. “I’d understand.”

“Yeah I do. I should’ve told somebody before. Maybe if it’s you I’m telling, you’ll understand why I am this way with Jackson. Just, you can’t tell anybody. Especially not the Theo thing, it’s old and everything’s fine now. Dragging it up will just put everybody on edge for no reason,” Stiles’ voice was tight with held back emotion.

“I don’t know, that-”

“You promise Danny? It’s fine, I’m fine now. Promise me,” Stiles asked, his watery eyes searching Danny’s.

Danny nodded, momentarily understanding what Jackson saw in him. “Okay, I won’t tell.”

“My mom was so sick. Half the time she couldn’t remember who we were, and when she could, she sometimes was convinced I was evil and trying to kill her. I had so many bruises one time, I was in a constant state of aching. I lived with Jackson for almost two months, he demanded it. Even on her good days there was always something, little things healthy people don’t even have to think about, like how to hold a fork or pronounce the letter B. At the end she was stuck in a loop of delusions, and it destroyed my dad. She knew that she knew us, but she couldn’t remember how,” Stiles inhaled through his nose, breathing deeply to control the building emotion. “I was with her when she died, she was having a good day, it was almost like she wasn’t sick. She told me the worst thing about being sick isn’t actually being sick, it’s watching the person you love the most lose himself over losing you. She told me not to take time with Jackson for granted, that she loved me, she was sorry.”

Danny didn’t know what to say, he watched tears fall from Stiles’ eyes. He thought maybe he was starting to understand why Stiles kept Jackson at a distance.

“When I was thirteen, my mom’s doctor told us that frontotemporal dementia was genetic. I’m at high risk. I’ll have to get tested for it every couple of years for the rest of my life. I don’t think it’s a what if I get it kind of situation, it’s more of a when I get it sort of deal and I can’t put Jackson through what my dad went through. Danny, I can’t. I have to protect him, but I’m selfish, I want to be with him too much.”

“I’m sorry, that’s, I’m sorry Stiles. I get that you don’t want to put him through that, but Jackson would want to know. He’d want to be there for you,” Danny said truthfully.

“I know, I miss him, I have since this all started. I was going to tell him a couple years back, we had spent my fourteenth birthday together and I just really needed him to know everything. But he was being an asshole and Theo was an even bigger one,” Stiles got really quiet, and seemed to fold into himself. “Then Theo happened and I just wanted Jackson to tell me everything was okay, but I couldn’t have it. Jackson would’ve blamed himself and blown up, it was an avoidable mess. It reminded me why I had been staying away from him in the first place.”

“What happened with Theo,” Danny asked carefully, his eyes wide with worry.

“It was so easy to be a jerk, every time someone looked at me, I just wanted to shrivel up and crawl under a rock,” he went on like Danny hadn’t spoken. “It became a quick reflex to yell at and insult anyone who was near. Being touched was out of the question, I gave Scott a black eye for touching my arm. I took it all out on Scott, I was just so angry that he never saw what a creep Theo was. I’m surprised he stayed friends with me.”

“Stiles,” Danny eased. “You should tell someone.”

“No,” Stiles shook his head, he sounded haunted. “Nothi- His mom walked in with actual milk and cookies, I don’t think I’ll ever get her shriek out of my head. ‘Not the sheriff’s son Theodore, he’s the sheriff’s son!’ I just, that’s the only thing that mattered to her.”

“He knew,” Danny said distantly as he sighed. “Jackson knew something was wrong. He couldn’t calm down, the more you wouldn’t let him near you the worse he got. I called him paranoid when he said you were scared. I thought he was just being obsessive. Danny, why did he shave his head? I think there’s blood on his shirt, yeah that’s blood. Why is he talking to that tall black kid? Did you see that, was Stiles limping? And that’s just a few of them. I should’ve let him keep trying to talk to you.”

“It’s okay. I would have fallen apart if Jackson knew, I was already having a hard time not going to him with it. Me being a jerk was supposed to make him hate me, but it made him sweeter than he used to be,” Stiles explained.

“You should’ve just gone to him. Jackson was beside himself and you were acting stupid. You needed him and you were so damn worried about what might happen in the future that you stopped caring about yourself. When, not if, he finds out, he’s not going to see it as this valiant thing you did. He’s going to be angry that he lost so much time with you, especially if you end up sick someday. You can’t decide how much pain a person can handle just because you don’t want them to hurt, not even for Jackson. He’s never going to let you out of his sight again,” he lectured a bit defensively.

“I know, I was ready for that. I was going to tell him, but when I woke up this morning he was gone. I was ready to let myself have what I’ve wanted for so long, but that doesn’t mean my opinion has changed. It’s better that he doesn’t know, at least he has a chance to move on. He won’t survive if die like my mom did,” Stiles informed him, a bit sadly. “There’s no way he can still love me as much after what he thinks I did.”

“Okay, Danny nodded, “but you’re wrong. He won’t move on, I don’t think he’ll ever love anybody else Stiles and he’ll never get over the fact that nobody will ever be you. So either way, with your logic, he’ll lead a miserable life.”

“That’s not fair,” Stiles stated loudly.

“No, you’re not fair. I can’t keep this from him, it’s you and he’s my best friend. I can’t not tell him,” Danny told him, just as loudly.

“You promised, Dammit Danny, you have to keep it. You said you wouldn’t tell. Please,” he begged, pulling at Danny.

Danny sighed heavily. “I can’t do that, but I’ll only tell Jackson about the frontotempo-thing if he brings it up. As for Theo, I don’t know. Jackson was right and I feel like it’s the more serious matter. You changed a lot, whatever happened with Theo, there’s no way it’s still not affecting you. That kind of stuff takes a tole on a person and I’m sure you didn’t any kind of help for it.”

“Thank you, I can live with that. I’ll tell you more about Theo and if he ever moves back to town, you have my full permission to tell Jackson all about what happened,” Stiles smiled cockily, not thinking much of it.

**Author's Note:**

> For those of you wondering, I will be doing the Theo story. Probably next.


End file.
